Ben's Collection of Thoughts

I'm freaking out

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:53:51 GMT

So, I leave for New York in like two months and I'm freaking out big time. I still have a bunch of stuff I have to send Sarah Lawrence and get around before I go. I also have to figure out where I'll be living, which is a pretty big thing to have to figure out. Moving far away is a pain in the ass, but it will all be good once I get there.

I'm pretty excited to be going actually, all anxiety aside. I think it's about time for me to start anew somewhere else. I really want to get back to school and getting serious again about my work. I mean, I've been writing, but it's nice to have other people around all the time that do the same things I do, I like having that feedback.

I think I'll be alright. Everyone will have to make sure to come visit me after I'm gone.

Gophers,
Ben

P.S.
Boba Fett is awesome!

The prodigal son returns

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 21:30:29 GMT

I'm back bitches, make way for me, weeeeeeeeeeeehoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha, just kidding, but it has been a while.I'll try to start writing more again.

Nothing really to report. Camerata last show is October 6th at the Broadway. Please come

Gophers,
Ben

Life

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 05:08:05 GMT

So, it's been quite a while since I've written in this thing, so here we go.

Well, I got dumped by the girl of my dreams. This really sucks on several different levels. First, she's my best friend. She's always the first person that I want to call and hang out with because I love being around her so much. She is amazing. She's one of the smartest, funniest, silliest, most beautiful wonderful people I've ever met, and I love her. Second, she's already sort of seeing another guy, and her and I have only been broken up for about a week and a half. The worst part for me is that I know she's really happy now, not being with me, and that hurts me so much. I feel like such a failure that I couldn't give her what she needed and that even though she was everything I wanted, I was not what she wanted.

The pain of this realization is terrible. She is everything I want in another human being, but yet, I'm not good enough for that. Am I not good enough for the things I want? Do I not deserve them? It's a terrible feeling, knowing that the one thing in this world that makes me the happiest does not want me. It's terrible. She's says that we just don't work, but she says she loves me. I think that if there is love, then it is worth trying to fix and figure out what is wrong. I'd do anything for that girl, and I will always love her.

I will always love you with all my heart. If my love were a soda, it would be coke because pepsi is for pussies.

Letting myself down

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 00:11:51 GMT

So I found out today that I did not get into the graduate program at CMU. They wanted me but all in all my grades just weren't good enough.

I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I can try and get a job, but the only jobs that would hire me with my degree are in bigger cities, so I'll have to move. I just don't know, I thought that I had the next two years on lockdown but I was let down, mostly by myself. If I would have applied myself more in the last few years I would not have this problem now. I feel like shit.

Ben

what a day

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 18:27:03 GMT

St. Patrick's day was really fun. I got to hang out with all of my favorite people and have some good times.

however...

I am confussed by other people's confusion.

ah

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 06:00:09 GMT

Today was such a nice day, it almost made me forget about all the crazy shit I have to do before the end of the semester. I have a 10-12 page paper due for my Eng 460 class, I have a 12-15 page paper due for my PoliSci class, I have a 15 page paper AND a 20 page portfolio due for my Eng 491 class, and not to mention the chapbook and other assignments I need to do for Eng 492 and my Hev 370 classes. ugh, that's a lot of crap.

But today was nice, I did homework, hung out on the porch, drank a beer, and watched some good stuff on the television (Jesus Camp, Arrested Developement) with some pals, played some guitar, and now I'm here, writing to you gentle readers.

Times could be better for me, but I guess I'm dealing with it. I pray every night that certain things work out and I deal with the school stuff on my own, but that's life.

Later Days,
Ben

Hey kids

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 08:16:19 GMT

So I went to Atlanta for a few days of spring break for AWP, which is the largest writers conference in the country. It was great. I had some good times, read some poetry, wrote some poetry, drank some beers, and hung with some cool people.

After that I went to Detroit to visit my buddies Drew and Kevin, it was great. Meg came with me, she is great.

I'm getting better it seems but I'm still really sad all the time. I'm in love with somebody I can't have even though she says that one day we'll be together again. The wait will be worth it (she is worth anything) but it really sucks and it's really hard. I'm an optomist though, so we'll see.

I'm going to see 300 tomorrow in lansing if anybody wants to come or meet up there. I'm super pumped for this movie, I can't wait.

Gophers,
Ben

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 01:16:50 GMT

So I really hate exams. I'm working on the second takehome exam that I've had this week. It has to be eight pages, the one I did last night was ten pages. This is really making my week suck, but I do get to go to Atlanta tomorrow, that'll be great. Next week I'm visiting Drew in Royal Oak, I'm excited for that too. I think that all in all, it will be a good break.

Later days,
Ben

Heeeeey people

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 19:37:59 GMT

So I haven't really written in this thing for a while. A lot has been going on...kind of, maybe it just seems that way to me. I don't know. Well, here we go:

Camerata has a split cd which will be available at our next show on February 25th at Mac's Bar, and we are also on this pretty sweet compilation out of Indiana that we have also been selling. That's exciting.

I turned in my application for grad school and I'm turning in my teacher assistantship application tomorrow, I hope I get in and I hope I get that teaching gig, that would be super sweet.

Classes are kicking my ass. I have shit tons of reading all the time and all I want to do is take naps and watch tv lately. I have senioritis so fucking bad it's ridiculous.

Pan's Labyrinth is a great movie.

I'm in love with a girl I can't be with and it sucks.

I bought a new guitar (a '72 telecaster deluxe for those who care) and I love it.

I smoke entirely too many cigarettes in a day.

That's about it

ugh

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 04:13:36 GMT

There is nothing like seeing your ex with her new boyfriend to ruin a weekend.

I had a great weekend other than that. I played an amazing show on thursday with Rescue and The Never. The Never is one of my favorite bands and they are great people, hanging out with them was a blast. I did a lot of hanging out and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (yeah, that's right, got a promlem?) and it was fun. Saturday night I went to Ann Arbor and hung out with my best buddy Drew and watched The Never again. I owe Jonny an ass kicking in Ping Pong. I hung out with great people. I went to a super bowl party tonight and hung out with some more great people. I stopped by a coffee shop for a little bit durning the halftime show and was my ex and her new boyfriend; I felt sick. It wouldn't be bad if I wasn't in love with her. Oh well. Sometimes life just sucks that way.

Gophers,
Ben

"I lie, I lie, you do it sometimes..."

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 17:50:23 GMT

List ten things that make you happy, and tag five others to do it.

10. watching Lost
9. the thought that I'm almost done with my undergrad
8. the thought that I get to go to grad school to write poems
7. writing my book
6. playing shows
5. Smoking (I know it's gross, but it's so great)
4. playing my banjo
3. playing my guitar
2. listening to music
1. going to the bird

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving.
It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now.
Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog.
Then tag five other LiveJournal friends to see what they're listening to.

1. We are going to be friends- The White Stripes
2. Big Dipper-Built to Spill
3. You do it sometimes-Natural Monuments
4. Tender-Blur
5. Turn it out-Deat from Above 1979

ugh

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 01:17:41 GMT

Why are all my classes going to be so time consuming? ugh, sometimes I really hate being a senior. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm almost done.

wow

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 09:54:10 GMT

I'm listening to Joanna Newsom and the rain just started falling hard. This is one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

So this is the new year

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 09:49:01 GMT

and I don't feel any differnet

This sucks

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:22:13 GMT

Lately I've been hating life for many different reasons. Stress sucks and I hate having it. I hate not having my anxiety meds because my doctor works for the school and I have to wait until next week to get in there and get my perscription renewed, which only makes me more anxious and leads to more anxiety attacks.

Another reason life sucks right now, Camerata is breaking up. That's right, we are done come next friday. We are playing a final show in Jackson on Friday the 5th and then we are calling it quits.

This sucks, I'm depressed for real.

-Ben

I haven't done this in a while

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 21:26:02 GMT

So there really hasn't been anything to report. I'm just sort of living life right now. I'm glad that the semester is over and I'm only one semester (and a summer) away from graduating. I've getting ready to send out my grad school applications and that is scary as shit. I might be staying at CMU for grad school, but I'm applying to Columbia in Chicago and if I get in, I'm going to go there. I hope that is what happens. I want to move to a big city and write poems, that's all. That's not too much to ask is it? I think not. Everything else is going pretty well, that's really all I'm doing and thinking about lately. Well, hope everybody's having a good time at their respected homes and whatnot. Have a good break people.

Gophers,
Ben

These days

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 15:47:51 GMT

So this weekend was pretty fun. Nicky's b-day/halloween party was really fun. I left early, however, because my medication has been making me tired/out of it a little. I had a couple beers and my meds don't really like beer aparently. So I just went home, but it was a great time. Friday was fun just hanging out with friends at Fifi's. After that we (me, jeff, drew, nikki, zoey) went to my place and watched some movies. Good times.

Tomorrow I'm playing a solo show (only doing covers) at Fifi's and I'm really excited/scared. I get really nervous and I don't know how it's going to go since I've never done it before. I'm not really sure if I'm that prepared but whatever. Maybe I'll just wing it and see how it goes. I hope I do okay though.

Today is my father's wedding. In a little bit I'll be driving down to stand up and be his best man. This is going to be so odd. I'm excited for him, but this is so surreal. I hope everything is amazing. I'm sure it will be.

Gophers,
Ben

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 07:11:10 GMT

So, in my last entry I wrote how I've been feeling weird and everything lately, well, I've pretty much had a relapse of all my old depression and anxiety (I have clinical depression and anxiety, so it's not that big of a surprise). So now I'm back in therepy and back on all my medications. It sucks a great deal but I'm coping with it the best I can. If you see me looking down, make a funny face or something to try and cheer me up, it'll probably help.

I am excited because my band is getting some pretty cool shows coming up and they should totally be fun. I'm also really pumped because I think I'm going to go see The Decemberists and Make Believe next month. I think The Decemberists show will be one of the greatest things I ever see. I'm so excited.

Things have been rough lately but I'm pulling through. I'm starting to buckle down and get focused on what I need for grad school and all that. Hopefully I will be attending Columbia College in Chicago to get my MFA in creative writing, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

Gophers,
Ben

hello

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 20:04:12 GMT

So I realized I hadn't posted in this in a while, so I feel like I should. So here I am now, posting something. Neat.

So I went and saw Wilco on Friday night with my dad, my future step-mom, and Ashley. It was great. It was probably one of the best times I've seen them, so that was pretty awesome. They played a really good set and they also played like four new songs, all of which were great. I had a blast.

Saturday Ashley and I went shopping around Lansing and it was fun. We ate at Chipolte and it was delicious as usual. I came home and had band practice with Josh, Fits, Jeff, and Kyle which was also fun. Drew came and surprised me because I thought he went home, but he was still in town, and it was great to see him. After practice we went to Fifi's and then Lil' Chef. Then it was bedtime.

So the last two days were pretty great. I had a marvelous time with some of the best people on this planet. I love them all.

Today I feel kind of weird though. Ashley and I went to lunch, which was nice, but now I'm in this weird mood and I don't know what's up. I've been feeling like that a bit lately. All of a sudden I'll just be in this funky mood and not know what to do with myself. I don't know, I hope it's nothing. I get seasonal depression really bad and I hope that's not what this is, I don't really want that again this year. Last year wasn't that bad, but the year before that was terrible. Oh well, what can you do?

Gophers,
Ben

"Used to be one of the rotton ones and we liked you for that."

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 15:56:49 GMT

So life has been pretty hectic lately. I'm constantly busy with school work, my band has been playing a ton of shows, I've been talking to insurance companies trying to get them to settle with me and give me money, and my dad is getting married. A ton is happening right now. I've been in a weird mood lately because of all of this. The band stuff is fun and school is exciting because I'm busy with things I like. My dad getting married is pretty sweet. I hope those insurance guys settle.

I just feel like I need a vacation. I want to get out of this town for a few days, but I can't. This city brings me stress and makes my heart ache. I'm so happy that this is my last year of school and get out of here. I'm going to miss the people, and I do like Mount Pleasant, I just feel like I have a lot of baggage here. Things that I don't like thinging about all the time.

I'm going to try and get into Columbia Chicago for grad school. Hopefully it works out because I would love to go there and live in Chicago. It seems like it would be a good change of pace for me. Them I could work on getting my MFA, and then a couple years after that, I will try to get a job. Then I just need to wait until I'm thirty and my life will be perfect.

Gophers,
Ben

Life: in retrospect

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 19:15:22 GMT

So today is September the 11th, 2006. It has been five years since the world trade center attacks and I ask myself: "where did the years go?"

In the last five years, I have changed beyond anyone could have foreseen. I have different values and beliefs. I am almost a completely different person. I like the person I have become very much, and disagree with many of the things I believed and felt five years ago. Going from 17 to 22 is a long time, and it has been a bumpy rode. There has been tragedy, praise, deaths, births, marrieges, divorses, gains, and loses within my family and friends. When I think about all the crazy crap that has happened to me over the last five years, it's really surreal. I can't believe all this happened to a person, and that this person was me.

I think back on the person I was and cringe a little. I remember when we were attacked and I was all for us going to war and bombing things. I didn't really know what was going on, I was just a pissed off 17-year-old kid and wanted us to bomb some shit. Now I am a little older and a little wiser and understand all that is at stake and realized that it's ludicrous that we are occupying that country still. It's been five years and we don't seem to be going anywhere. I think that we seriously need a regime change in our current administration. We need to be for the people again. It seems like all of the morals and beliefs that our country was founded on have gone by the wayside. We were born out of revolution and fought for the right to be different. Our forefathers were revolutionaries and wanted people to be equal and the government to be for the people.

"people should not fear their governments, governments should fear their people"

I'm sick of the United States being the bully of the world. Our country was started because we stood up to our bully, and now we have become our worst enemy. That it not right.

I guess I just don't get people anymore. I think people are crazy and a lot of people have just really gotten good at deceiving people.

Gophers,
Ben

oh boy

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 05:39:38 GMT

I feel terrible.

I'm so emotionally drained

Gophers,
Ben

hey yo

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 22:46:35 GMT

So today was the first day back to class. It's odd because this is the first day of my last year as an undergrad, and it's totally weird. Today was really awkward for me for very personal reasons (if you really want to know, ask me in person), and I don't know how I handled it as well as I did. It was pretty hard for me. I think I'm really going to enjoy the classes I had today. One might be a little tough, but it seems very interesting. Well, I think it might be time for a nap.

Oh, and Nicky tagged me with this:

1. One book that changed your life: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, and The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein because it taught me about revolution

2. One book that you've read more than once: Stardust by Neil Gaiman

3. One book you'd want on a desert island: My collected works of Flannery O'Connor

4. One book that made you laugh: Carnal Knowledge by T.C. Boyle

5. One book that made you cry: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (I'm lame, I know)

6. One book that you wish/hope had/will been written: I just wish Flannery O'Connor had written more books and she hadn't died so young

7. One book that you wish had never been written: The Giver

8. One book you're currently reading: The Violent Bear it Away by Flannery O'Connor

9. One book you've been meaning to read: Fast Food Nation

So there's that. I don't want to "tag" anybody with this, but I'd like it if other people filled it out so I could read theirs.

Gophers,
Ben

Deconstructing the Self, or How to Destroy the Earth

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 23:09:49 GMT

They say
that people who
live in
glass houses
shouldn't cast stones

But Baby
I've always been
Soooooo good
at
Destroying
Beautiful things

Life needs to back the fuck off for a day or two

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 22:59:31 GMT

This summer has been probably one of the top two summers I've ever had.

And then...

...this week came.

Shitty instance #1: The trouble first began when I was shopping with my mom and I got jostled by another Wal-Mart (I know it's evil and it sucks, but my mom likes it) shopper and my sandled foot went against the wheel and a good portion of the toenail on my big toe.

Shitty instance#2: So I'm in detroit and staying at my friend's grandparent's house, and their dog decides to attack my face. I know have liquid stitches, my face hurts, and I'll have some permenent scars. So that blows.

Shitty instance #3: I didn't even get to go see Anathallo and the Format, which was the entire reason I went to detroit anyway.

So there you have it. I'm sure out there somewhere, somebody, had a shittier week than me, and I know that bitching about won't help, but it still sucked.

Gophers,
Ben